my phone needs a breathalizer
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
