Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
