I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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