I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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