one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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