Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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