Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
