He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
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