Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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