shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
