Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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