All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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