we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
