dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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