Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
