Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Congratulations! We have a period
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
