shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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