if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
