when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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