Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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