Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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