Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
