if you like me you must not know who I am
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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