god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize