he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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