Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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