shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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