I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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