Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
