It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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