I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize