I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
