i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we made out on top of his cat.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
