just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
