Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
