My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
