I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm like, not good at living.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
