yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
