"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
BRING THE BAGELS
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
