im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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