i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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