Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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