good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize