So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
