when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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