I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
