Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
