There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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