I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
