so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
handjob tips. give me some.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
MIDGETS
????
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
