NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
