it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
