I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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