No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
