all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
either way he was missing a nipple.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
