I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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