Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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