How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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