I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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