There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
