Just fell off a train. Bad.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Welp...herpes.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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