I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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