This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize