im having a threesome with these popsicles
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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