i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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